Fashion Portrait of a Bearded Man

Self-knowledge is sexy.

The better we know ourselves, the easier we can move through life and its abundance of turd sandwiches, trying to ruin our day. So let’s start by getting a grasp on what kind of hair is perched atop your head--this will help you determine what kinds of products will work best for you and will also help you choose hairstyles that are both realistic and attractive. 


Now, I know this isn’t THE MOST fascinating shit you’re ever gonna read, but nonetheless, I NEED YOU TO EFFING READ IT.

Without these fundamentals, I can’t do anything else to help you and you’ll wander through life looking like Keith Richards after bathing with a blowdryer.

And in case you weren’t already aware: no one wants to have sex with Keith Richards, anymore.

So get a beverage, settle in, and figure this shit out!


These terms apply to the size of your actual hair strands:

FINE--pull a piece of hair out. Can you feel it between your fingers? If “no” or “barely” or “not really,” then you have fine hair.


COARSE--pull a piece of hair out. Can you feel it between your fingers? If “yes, definitely” or “fo’ sho’” or “I could floss with it,” then you have coarse hair.


MEDIUM--not quite fine, not quite coarse. Ya know--it’s medium.

Find the best products here!


These terms apply to the actual density of hair on your head, how many strands you have:

THIN--grab a fistful of hair and pull it to the side. Do you see scalp? If you see a lot of it, you’ve got thin hair.  


THICK--grab a fistful of hair and pull it to the side. Do you see scalp? If you’re having trouble locating it, you’ve got thick hair.


MEDIUM--not quite fine, not quite coarse. Again, it’s’s just medium.

Find the best products here!


These are further specifications that are combined with the above hair types, for some folks:

WAVY / CURLY / COILY / HIGHLY-TEXTURED--if your hair is not stick-straight, it’s either wavy or curly or coily/highly-textured. 

Pull out a piece of hair. 

If it looks like a riverbed from space, you’ve got wavy, my friend. 

If it resembles more of a mattress spring, that is curly. 

If your hair has a curl pattern as tight or tighter than a #2 pencil, that is coily/highly-textured.

This is an important distinction to make, ‘cause the curlier your hair is, the naturally DRIER it will be. The (good) oils from your scalp have a difficult time traveling down the strand and give up about you are always gonna have to focus more on putting moisture back into your crispy little ends.

Find the best products here! 

DAMAGED--this hair type is for those of you who consistently color your hair or do any other chemical processes, like perms or relaxers. It also applies to those brave, sexy people who spend their days and nights on fishing trawlers, subject to the whims of their cruel mistress, the ocean, and its attendant stormy skies. 

Even though I just got myself very, very aroused, I’m also actually serious--if your job involves tons of wind and elements, your hair is damaged.


Damaged hair will also always need moisture replenishment and you’ll also need to use products (like shampoos and conditioners) that are very specifically MADE for damaged hair, ‘cause lots of times, they’ll include little keratin building blocks to Lego into your hair strands to make them stronger.